Got these sent to me in an e-mail - Enjoy!
1. The US has made a new weapon that destroys people but keeps the building standing,. Its called the stock market - *Jay Leno*
2. Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are ?? Wall Street is now being called Wal Mart Street- *Jay Leno*
3. The difference between a pigeon and a London investment banker . *The pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW*
4. What’s the difference between a guy who lost everything in Las Vegas and an investment banker ? *A tie*
5. The problem with investment bank balance sheet is that *on the left side nothing’s right and on the right side nothing’s left.
6. I want to warn people from Nigeria who might be watching our show, if you get any e mails from Washington asking for money, it’s a scam. Don’t fall for it - *Jay Leno*
7. Bush was asked about the credit crunch. He said it was his favourite candy bar -* Jay Leno*
8. The rescue bill was about 450 pages. President Obama’s copy is even thicker. They had to include pictures. *Jay Leno*
9. President Obama’s response was to support some small business owners in America. The small business owners are General Motors, General Electric and Century 21. - *Jay Leno*
10. What worries me most about the credit crunch, is that if one of my cheques is returned stamped ‘insufficient funds’. * I won’t know whether that refers to mine or the bank’s.*
*NEW STOCK MARKET TERMS*
*CEO* —Chief Embezzlement Officer.
*CFO* — Corporate Fraud Officer.
*BULL MARKET* — A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
*BEAR MARKET* — A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry.
*VALUE INVESTING* — The art of buying low and selling lower.
*P/E RATIO* — The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
*BROKER* — What my broker has made me.
*STANDARD & POOR* — Your life in a nutshell..
*STOCK ANALYST* — Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
*STOCK SPLIT* — When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
*FINANCIAL PLANNER* — A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
*MARKET CORRECTION* — The day after you buy stocks.
*CASH FLOW*— The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
*YAHOO* — What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
*WINDOWS* — What you jump out of when you’re the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
*INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR* — Past year investor who’s now locked up in a nuthouse.
*PROFIT* — An archaic word no longer in use
